Today’s subject is rather serious, although there are times that I find the same subject rather humorous.

Families.

I deal with them a lot as a caregiver. When I take on a client, it’s rare that they are completely alone in the world. There are usually children or siblings to deal with, and they often become an integral part of what I do.

Some need as much –or more – comforting as the client. Family members are often wracked with guilt when their loved ones begin to decline. Maybe because they have work or other family obligations that prevent them from providing the full time care they must hire me to do, or maybe because of past issues that were never resolved, and with the onset of dementia never can be. (Don’t wait to tell your people you love them. Tomorrow is NOT guaranteed!)

Some family members are angry with my presence. This can be a bit of jealousy, when they see their Mom or Dad become dependent on someone who is a virtual stranger to them. Others see the checks written to me as a direct reduction in their inheritance, and the relationship becomes outright adversarial. Sad, but true.

I accept all of these reactions to me as legitimate positions, and I don’t take them personally... well, not too much, anyway.

I often find myself being the mediator of family disputes, mostly in an effort to keep the drama away from the client, but as my relationship grows with the family, I find myself concerned with how all of them feel. I can’t seem to keep myself from trying to repair rifts within the family dynamic. The thing is, it is imperative that I stay neutral...and yet, that is virtually impossible, if I am doing my job right... I am a giver of care, after all.

It’s a common thing within families with multiple children to have one sibling doing the bulk of the work: first, identifying that the parent needs care, then determining what care is appropriate. Often that sibling has spent a year or more running the folks to doctor’s appointments, helping with housework, shopping... often at the expense of their own personal lives. I have seen people neglect their own spouses, even take early retirement in order to take care of their aging parents.

All this, while more often than not the other siblings sit in the background and complain about the care they are providing.

Again, this can be a matter of jealousy or greed. It can be a matter of long before seeded sibling rivalry, you know, the whole “Mom always liked you best.” I try very hard not to take sides in these situations. After all, I wasn’t there to see them grow up; for all I know, the parents did show favoritism, and those feelings are legitimate. But sometimes, when I see an adult child crying over some ugly thing a sibling said or did, my protective nature flares out, and I can’t help but rush to their defense.

But always... ALWAYS... I keep the best interests of my client in the forefront. I have literally ushered family members out of a dying client’s room when the ugliness creeps out, and make them “take it outside.” This often causes the anger to be turned on me, but that’s okay. I can bear the brunt of it, and usually that anger is just a part of the grieving process, part of what my job entails. In the end, I almost always get hugs from all the family members, who eventually come to realize that I always had my client’s best interests at heart.

As for those who never do... their bitterness will flavor their lives, and that is sad, but when all is said and done that is their sorrow, not mine. I have enough sorrow of my own, losing a beloved client... but that is also a post for another day!